Jeanette “Jay” Hansen

When motherhood finds you in an unconventional way, you jump in, from Sunday family dinners to filling potholes.

Family comes first.

All families are unique. Tell us about yours.

I live with my partner Tam, and my son Finn, and a pair of dogs, a trio of post-maternal chickens and all the passing critters in the woods. As someone who is a part of the LGBTQ+ community, I have biological family and I have chosen family. In fact, I would define most of my family as chosen — choosing to be a foster parent, choosing to be the non-biological parent, choosing to integrate both halves of Finn’s family with him, choosing to move my parents closer to me as they age, choosing a partner with an active, local family, etc. Now that my parents live locally, my community family and my more immediate family get to mingle together. We have family dinners on Sunday nights that define family in a special way: biologically related or not, we’re family when we sit around the table together.

Every family has its own traditions, rituals or inside jokes. What are some of yours?

Well, we fill potholes four times per year on a two-mile gravel driveway. It’s a tradition, inside joke and ritual all in itself. We jockey for position: who gets to drive the tractor, who gets to run the blower, who gets to shovel gravel, and who has to use the tamping plate. My partner, Tam, always says the same things about how to fan out the gravel further or grade in a certain way. But I’m just as bossy when I’m not driving the tractor. Then, once we are very cold, muddy and grumpy, we come back inside to have hot cocoa and coffee and remember why we love one another.

When did you know you wanted to be a mom?

When I first became a mom, it was as a foster parent. While I had never imagined myself as a mom, I had the wonderful opportunity to choose that role actively.

Tell us about one of your proudest mom moments.

My proudest moment as a mom was the first time I held my son, Finn. The awe of meeting a new human being and being the first person to hold him grounded me in a unique way.

Now tell us about one of your most humbling mom moments.

Not humble, but uncomfortable: Being a queer mom has provided some uncomfortable moments. One day, I was standing in line at a bakery, holding Finn on my hip. I handed him to my partner while I grabbed something. Behind me, I heard one woman mutter to another, “Oh, that’s the real mom.” I felt dismissed. I felt invisible as a parent because my baby looked more like his other mother. If I could go back now, I would have confronted the women.

What is the most surprising thing you have found wedged between the sofa cushions or behind a car seat?

Missing tax paperwork, a whole donut, an entire pantry of foodstuff, overdue library books, a work badge I had already paid to have replaced…with my long commute, it sometimes feels like my whole life happens in that car.

What is something you swore you would never do before kids that you now do (skip showers, go to

a drive through coffee in your pjs, etc.)?

I am horrified to say that I licked my thumb and used it to clean my kid’s face. I absolutely hated it when my mom did that.

In what way are your children like you? How are they different?

From an early age, I exposed Finn to music, and he developed a love for playing instruments that we both share. Some of our best nights lately have been trading a guitar back and forth. Finn is very much his own person — different from all four of his parents. He’s very private and has a creativity hidden away. We don’t yet know all his depths.

You know you’re a mom when you hear yourself say…

“If you’re bored, I’ve got something for you to do…”

What are you enjoying the most about parenting right now?

I love watching my kid stretch beyond his own comfort zone to grow into an amazing individual. Music, mountain biking, dating, driving — it’s a gift to be part of his world as it expands. He has learned to take risks! He was always cautious as a toddler and young child. Now, he films videos of himself riding mountain bike jumps at Black Rock or Mt. Bachelor that I can barely watch.

No one works harder than mom.

Tell us about your work or volunteerism outside of the home.

I’m a palliative care social worker at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center, part of a multidisciplinary team serving patients and families experiencing medical crises, chronic disease or life-threatening illnesses. My job is much more than a paycheck. I felt like it was a calling, particularly after I lost one of my friends to metastatic ovarian cancer. Discussions of death and dying don’t scare or overwhelm me. There is a devastating cultural force that wants to ignore the end of life. But I can be grounded. I can hold space for others so that they may make critical decisions.

We know that being a mom is a full-time job. How do you balance (or not) motherhood, activities, work, volunteering, household responsibilities, and life in general? What sometimes falls through the cracks?

I don’t balance it. It is messy and chaotic. There are so many competing responsibilities, between family, my job and our property, that it can be hard even to see balance. As the only surviving child of octogenarian parents, I’m struggling with being in the sandwich generation and meeting everyone’s needs. Sometimes I fall short, and that has to be okay.

I once had a therapist tell me that I did not have to be perfect; I just had to be a “good enough” parent. I remind myself of that often. I rely on my partner and chosen family to help me pick up the slack. Sometimes, I have to force myself to accept help. I am lucky to have a strong backup band.

Where did you grow up, and how did it influence you?

I grew up in Stockton, California, in a blue-collar neighborhood called “Oakieville.” And I was a Gen X kid, basically free-range until the streetlights came on. Life came with natural consequences, and I learned how to navigate the world pretty independently. Because of busing initiatives, my high school was over 70% kids of color. Growing up in a diverse school, I gained skills to see other people’s perspectives, including witnessing the inequality in how my friends were treated when we went shopping. Because of these experiences, I work hard to raise kids who are more aware of unearned privilege and see the imbalances in the world.

If you could instantly have one new skill (i.e. foreign language, musical talent, eyes in the back of your head, etc.), what would it be?

Cloning. I need more of me. Ok, I want to learn, instantly, how to operate heavy equipment (heavier than our farm tractor). Backhoes look like so much fun!

What’s your superpower?

I am a walking lie detector (and I know my kid’s tell, but I will not share).

Name one thing that is part of your daily routine that you just can’t live without.

My puppy has eaten my CPAP mask several times, and it turns out that life is much harder for me and those around me when I don’t have CPAP therapy!

It’s Saturday afternoon and you suddenly find yourself at home alone for a few hours (we know,

it never happens). What do you do?

1. Use bleach to hit everything that needs it (because my partner gets massive migraines from the faintest whiff of bleach). 2. Sit out on the deck and play my guitar and sing.

What is your least/most favorite household chore?

I hate to vacuum. Well, I hate my current vacuum because it is big and unruly. My small dog barks his head off and attacks the vacuum cleaner — I sympathize.

What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

Be somewhere where you are the “other.” Take a long road trip. Please, for the love of life, write out an advance directive with your end-of-life wishes.

Listen to mom.

Is motherhood what you expected? What surprised you the most?

From a distance, there is a stereotype of motherhood that was never appealing to me. Furthermore, as a young queer person, I didn’t think it was in the cards, particularly as I never saw myself bearing children. But when it happened, I surprised myself by being a decent mom. A good enough mom. It’s about kids feeling safe and loved.

Do current events shape how you parent, and if so, how?

Current events stress and worry me, as I fear for the safety and well-being of all families who do not fit some narrow definition, particularly those in the LGBTQ+ community.

What message would you like to share with other moms? Remember to tell it like it is.

There is not just one way for a mother to look or be; we don’t have to be perfect — we have to show up and be good enough.

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MOM’s favorite…

Tell us about your favorite…

…family game: Farkle, Quirkle

…words to live by: Progress not perfection.

…place to find some peace & quiet: The bathtub, with the door shut and locked.

…binge-worthy TV: Rez Dogs, Landman, Yellowstone, The Abandons, Dark Winds, The Sopranos

…way to get out of making dinner: Asking my family what kind of take-out they want.

…inspirational quote: “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” — The Lorax by Dr. Seuss

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MOMs love local…

We love locally owned businesses, restaurants, places and organizations. Share your favorite…

…restaurant to take kids: Evergreen Indian

…restaurants for a date night: The Greenberry Tavern, The Dizzy Hen

…take-out, food truck or quick bite: La Rockita, Local Boyz, Sharon’s Cafe

…meetup spot for happy hour: Squirrel’s

…boutique to find a new shirt or home décor item: Coastal Farm Supply, Duluth Trading Company in Springfield

…local park where kids can let off steam: BMX bike track

…event in your community: Fall Festival, Benton County Fair and Rodeo

…any other local places you love: Hiatt Farm Bakery

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