How (and why) to hold a Family Meeting

Family meetings provide focused, open space to talk about everything that impacts your household, from practical issues like who keeps throwing away all the forks, to more serious topics such as the health of a family member. Some of the reasons you might hold a family meeting include:

• To share big family news such as moves, changes in health, deployments, job changes

• Before any kind of travel, event or holiday

• For addressing behaviors and resetting expectations

• Before a change in family schedules, dynamics, sitters, etc.

• To brainstorm vacations or getaways

• For sorting out shared pet care, house and yard duties

• To find out more about what can be improved in your family life

Setting it up

Give advance notice of the meeting, with topics, so everyone can be thinking it over in the days beforehand. Choose a time after everyone has been fed, napped and isn’t on the go to the next commitment.

Keep it informal. Follow a general format you like, such as one from work, place of worship, or volunteer organization. There’s no need for Robert's Rules of Order, but you do want to keep everyone from talking over one another. You could use an object that is passed from one person to the next when it’s their turn to speak (we don’t advise sticks, heavy or other breakable items, because kids). You could schedule monthly meetings or do them as needed. Oh, and have a rule to put the screens away — including your own — so that everyone is engaged in active listening.

Family meetings teach civility, model effective communication, how to work as a group and that compromise is sometimes needed and reached.

Benefits

Family meetings teach civility, model effective communication, how to work as a group and that compromise is sometimes needed and reached. You might be pleasantly surprised to learn what’s on your kids’ minds.

You can also draw on what you talked about when needed. For instance, when the kids are impatient because the plane is delayed, you can say, “Remember how we talked about patience during our family meeting? This is when we need to use it because sometimes travel delays just happen.”

Family meetings are also spaces for conflict resolution: When the toilet keeps getting clogged with too much TP, it often leads to a chorus of “not me!” Stay focused on finding solutions rather than ferreting out blame: “When the toilet plugs up, it’s a problem for all of us. What can we do to keep it from happening?”

Kids have important things to say too, even if it comes out in a jumble. Sure, they may use their talking time to advocate getting a gerbil. Gently remind them about the topic at hand and ask them a specific question to get back on task, such as, “That’s something to talk about at a later time. Right now we’re talking about how we want to spend our winter vacation.”

Your kids are smart and perceptive, so they benefit from knowing, rather than hiding, information that is part of family life. That said, too many details can be overwhelming and frightening. For a cancer diagnosis, you might say, “My hair will fall out and I’ll look a bit different, but it means the medicine I need is really doing its job.”

Results will be perfectly imperfect

When it comes to serious topics, don’t be shocked by outlandish questions or total silence. Some kids may need more time to mentally process what it all means. Do be prepared for oddly timed questions that come up after the fact, like right as you’re trying to cook dinner. One meeting may not cement what was talked about, so be ready to repeat and clarify as necessary. Give a family meeting a try. Your children will surprise you with their insights.