Ashley Merback

MOTHER, WOODWORKER, THERAPIST…HER SECRET TO LIFE IS ACCEPTANCE AND ADAPTABILITY.

PROFESSION: Mental health

therapist & co-owner/host of

Highland Woodshop

COMMUNITY: Corvallis

PARTNER: Joey Merback,

pediatric hospitalist

CHILDREN: Isaac, age 22; Georgie,

age 20; and Juliet, age 16

PHOTOS: Marilla Anderson

Family Comes First

All families are unique. Tell us about yours.

My husband and I were married at a young age and have evolved a lot together since that early start. We started having babies pretty early too—in hindsight, we were babies having babies.

One of my favorite things to do with my kids when they were little was reading to them, so books and media are a big part of our connection to this day. Most nights, my husband played them a small selection of classic rock songs, so they have a lot of shared identity with music, and that continues today in the form of attending concerts together.

During the kids’ younger years, my husband was active duty in the Air Force. We moved around a lot during those 12 years. We spent four years living together in Italy, which was absolutely magical. Our kids attended school there, which is a huge accomplishment of theirs. When we landed in Corvallis, we found a pretty cool “homestead” of sorts to settle in. We’re all homebodies in a way, and it’s a great place to call home.

Another big part of our family life is skiing. We made sure the kids could all ski because we parents love it so much, and that’s still something we do together when we can. In these teen years, dance has become a big part of our lives, as both of our girls are passionate about dance.

Lastly, we have a dog “sister” that connects all of us, and a cat that belongs to our son. We’ve also raised lambs and pigs for meat, and we always have lots of chickens. The animals give us a lot.

When Did You Know You Wanted to Be a Mom?

I was raised to be a mom. My mom was a stay-at-home mom, as was every mom on both sides of my family for as far back as I am aware. In my family, it was “when you become a mom,” not “if you become a mom.” Lucky for me, motherhood really works for my system. But I can completely understand why someone wouldn’t “opt in” to motherhood. It’s a lifestyle for sure.

Tell Us About One of Your Proudest Mom Moments.

You know you’re a mom of emerging adult children when everything they do makes you proud. The silly, inconsequential stuff like smiling at a neighbor or doing the dishes without being asked, or texting grandma—that’s a huge one! Every adult thing they do brings a blush. “Look at them doing that adult thing without me telling them to!” My heart just swells. We, as parents, put a lot of love and thought into raising an independent human, and it validates all of that when we see them doing grown-up things.

Now Tell Us About One of Your Most Humbling Mom Moments.

When my oldest was becoming more teenagery, I went to his room to check in with him. I don’t specifically remember the impetus for the conversation, but I must have been asking something about how he felt toward me, to which he responded pretty matter-of-factly, “You’re starting to annoy me, and it’s getting worse.”

I think I handled it pretty well by not taking it personally in front of him. I think I quietly laughed and said that he was normal, and I wasn’t going to go away. But there definitely was an old part that believed I was going to be a different kind of mom whose teenagers thought she was sooo cool. It’s fun to laugh at now.

We’re all moms, so we know that no one is perfect all of the time, or even some of the time. What Is Something You Swore You Would Never Do Before Kids That You Now Do?

Swear in front of my children.

You Know You’re a Mom When You Hear Yourself Say…

My daughter had a good answer to this: She thinks of me running through all the kids’ and pets’ names in the house before finally landing on the child’s name I’m seeking. “Georgie, Juliet, Naxi, I mean Isaac... whoever you are!”

No One Works Harder Than Mom

We know that being a mom is a full-time job. How do you balance (or not) motherhood, activities, work, volunteering, household responsibilities, and life in general? What sometimes falls through the cracks?

The secret to life is acceptance and being adaptable. So, I adapt. As a person with lots of interests and low tolerance for doing things that aren’t interesting, I create a lot of outlets for myself and a lot of acceptance for “times and seasons” of my life. I try not to get too caught up in what’s not getting done by looking at what is.

It’s become okay with me that the wood trim I started downstairs over a year ago still isn’t finished. Time with my kids is disappearing, and I’ve burnt myself out on home improvement projects these last several years, so this last one is feeling like it’s stealing my time. I’ll finish the wood trim in the next season, and that works just fine for me.

Tell Us About Your Work or Volunteerism Outside of the Home.

Several years ago, I went back to school and completed a master’s in counseling, and now I work as a mental health therapist. I absolutely love working in mental health. It’s such a privilege to get to support amazing people doing deep, soulful work for my job.

I also co-created a woodworking makerspace about seven years ago called Highland Woodshop with my dear friend Nat Stein. It is housed in a large barn on our property, along with a short-term rental that we host on the top level. Nat and I were later joined by Katherine Edmonds just as I was going back to school, which was perfect timing. The two of them basically run the place as volunteers now, but it also supports their professional woodworking.

I join in on cleaning parties and shop improvement projects, and I plan social events. I also get to hang out with people as much as three nights a week without leaving my place. It’s like having a craft party right out your back door every week! It’s such an awesome group of people.

What Have You Learned Professionally That Has Helped You as a Mom?

Goodness, one of the things I appreciate most about my work is how applicable it is to almost every facet of my life, but especially parenting. Primarily, it has helped me to be curious first, to understand what my kids might be perceiving and feeling before moving to advise, solve, or reprimand.

Do You Have a Goal You’d Like to Accomplish Within the Next Five Years?

In addition to continuing to improve my effectiveness as an individual therapist, I’d like to support an effective structure that supports parents in our community. I’m starting to work on understanding what that could look like. I’d also like to finish all that trim downstairs.

If Mom’s Not Happy, Nobody’s Happy

Tell Us About Your Upbringing. How Did It Shape the Mother You Are Today?

I stand on the shoulders of my parents. They’re extremely family-oriented, and I have very much benefited from that modeling and foundation. If my life seems good, it’s because my parents worked to heal themselves enough to provide me with a solid foundation.

What Is Something You Will Never Do Again?

Probably surfing. It’s a nice idea, but, in practice, at least for me, it felt like doing intense cardio (paddling) while being intermittently waterboarded.

Which Good Habit Do You Wish You Started Earlier?

Therapy! So that I can parent my kids and live my life more fully without my own issues getting in the way.

Listen to Mom

Do Current Events Shape How You Parent, and If So, How?

We’ve stayed thrifty even when salaries have grown, and we do our best to model sustainable living and spending. Current events concern us about the stability of our economic future, so we’ve tried to raise kids who can thrive in unstable times.

What Advice Would You Give Your Younger Mom Self? What Do You Wish You Knew Then That You Know Now?

I wish I’d parented more from an appreciation of my kids’ individual development. Whatever they struggled to do was just information about a skill they needed to develop and maybe some insight into who they are as a little person.

I also wish I understood more deeply that being a mom is enough. I could put all of my time into my kids and feel very valuable as a person and to the world by doing that. Not that you have to do only that, but there’s no end to how much we could dig into teaching, being with, and offering growth experiences for them. I wish I’d been able to validate myself more for that. I deeply wish our financial and social structures validated and supported this as well.

But to my younger self, I would say, please rest in knowing how valuable your intentionality, time, and fun with those little kiddos are. It’s important. Anything extra is just icing on the cake.

MOM’S FAVORITE...

Tell us about your favorite...

...family game: First to Worst

...places to find some peace & quiet: Marigold Contemplative Center, my house with all the windows open and running in the woods

...binge-worthy podcast: Andrew Huberman

...way to get out of making dinner: Ask a kid to make it! Or fend for yourself night.

...time-saving digital tool: Recently I got a Brick, and it’s saving me from doom

scrolling or wasting away hours on social media.