Back to school with self-regulation

You’re cut off in traffic, and you’d really like to lean on the horn and yell a few choice words, but something stops you. You know how tricky that intersection can be, and escalating the situation into road rage won’t help anyone. The jolt of anger passes, and you move on with your day.

This is your self-regulation at work. At its basic level, self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions, impulses and behaviors without help from others to adapt to situations or achieve goals. It is thinking before acting — especially recklessly — and it’s a learned skill.

For children, this skill needs to develop over time and with guidance from caring adults. Self-regulation is tied to school success, and because most of us want our children to thrive in school, we turned to local experts for insights and advice.

First, some distinctions are necessary between self-regulation, self-control and impulse control.

“Self-regulation and self-control are often used interchangeably and refer to the ability for a child to control their thoughts, feelings and behavior,” said Oregon State University’s Megan McClelland, PhD, Hallie E. Ford Center for Healthy Children & Families Endowed Director and Katherine E. Smith Healthy Children and Families Professor. “Impulse control is similar and usually refers to controlling behavior and impulses and is a little more narrow than broader self-regulation.”

In traditional school settings, self-regulation is crucial. “Being able to focus, pay attention, remember instructions and demonstrate self-control (all parts of self-regulation) allow children to better navigate school and classroom settings and take in academic content,” said McClelland.

Jo Schlegelmilch, Lane County Positive Parenting Program Manager, sees this in her organization’s work. “Children who can manage their emotions and behavior are more able to stay focused, complete tasks, work cooperatively with others and problem-solve when they hit a roadblock. These are skills that help them thrive not just academically, but socially and emotionally too,”

said Schlegelmilch.

How does a self-regulated child act in real life? “You might see it when your child raises their hand instead of shouting out, takes turns on the playground, or calms down after getting upset. It’s not about being perfect — it’s about learning how to pause, think and choose a helpful response, even when emotions are running high,” said Schlegelmilch.

You can help your child build self-regulation by staying calm yourself during tough moments, naming feelings...and guiding them to practice calming strategies...

Developing your child’s self-regulation starts early by creating safe and secure environments, said McClelland. As kids get a bit older, she recommends parents use age-appropriate games and challenges that help children stop, think and then act.

“When my children were young, we started a rule at restaurants where there was no screen time until after we ate. So we talked more, played games, drew pictures and did other things first. Then they could go on the screen after they ate,” said McClelland.

For a child who is still struggling with outbursts, consistency is key. “It’s helpful to give children time to calm their bodies down first and make sure you talk about why their behavior was not okay,” said McClelland.

Teenagers may be in a league of their own when it comes to self-regulating, with hormones entering the chat. Schlegelmilch and her team offer free workshops specific to parenting teenagers. “Teens are still learning to regulate their emotions, and it’s totally normal for them to struggle sometimes. Start by staying calm yourself — your teen needs you to be their anchor, even when they’re stormy,” said Schlegelmilch.

Both McClelland and Schlegelmilch recommend keeping your own emotional thermostat from hitting the red zone, as you model behavior for your children. It’s a tall order some days, with a toddler pounding their fists on the ground or a pre-teen slamming their bedroom door.

“You can help your child build self-regulation by staying calm yourself during tough moments, naming feelings (“I see you’re feeling frustrated”), and guiding them to practice calming strategies like deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a break,” said Schlegelmilch.

That’s sound advice for both parents and kids.